If you don’t want to get married, if you don’t want to have kids, and if you would rather be alone than make any compromises, Ms. Alas, it wildly misinterprets what I was suggesting.Believe it or not, most men do not lie in order to get sex. Sex is so readily available from women that there’s no incentive for a guy to have to say something untrue like, “I love you” or “I want to be your boyfriend” in order to get laid. Holding out for commitment will, in fact, scare the guy away who only wants to get laid. And if she let me know that she didn’t sleep with guys outside of a commitment, I’d have been out the door in a heartbeat.“What about having sex for the sheer joy of it without any agenda and expectation? If you can have sex for the sheer joy of it without any agenda and expectation, then my advice to hold out for a commitment should be completely irrelevant. As irrelevant as me wondering how often I should get a mammogram. If advice doesn’t apply to you, then you can absolutely ignore it.What you can’t do is argue with advice that is not intended for you.This is the exact same issue I had with women who tried to pillory Lori Gottlieb’s “Marry Him,” by saying that they settled in their first marriage so Ms.Gottlieb’s advice is completely “wrong.” No it’s not.“We woman are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Wait too long and the guy will get it somewhere else.” Nope. No one is suggesting that you’re losing out on a prize of a man if he values getting laid in three dates over how much he values you. I think you have all the power in the world: to be sexual, to assess your options, to understand his point of view, to make him feel good, and to STILL insist that your man be interested in pursuing a relationship before you have sex.“EMK’s advice seems unrealistic for anyone not wearing a promise ring.” Actually, it’s quite realistic.
But choosing a boyfriend is a considerably lower bar to jump than choosing a husband.Naturally, calling a guy a boyfriend doesn’t guarantee a lasting marriage – not by any stretch of the imagination. Which is the entire point of my suggestion – it weeds out the guys who aren’t serious about you really fast.But it does do one thing: it ensures that the guy you just slept with is not seeing anybody else and is seriously open to exploring a future. “This is why so many feel “used” because they waited a month, or two, or three and finally “gave in” and POOF he’s gone anyways.” I didn’t say that you should wait a month or two or three before “giving in”.You “sex first” people act as if you have to have sex before commitment or else. Or else you’d discover after a month that you have different libidos, or that he isn’t great at cunnilingus?You think you have to discover this BEFORE you have a commitment…but isn’t the whole point of dating to continue to discover things to assess whether you can spend your life with a person? I’m saying that you can engage in lots of serious foreplay before having sex, give an exclusive relationship a shot, and if it doesn’t work for ANY reason, you have the right to break up, one months, two months, three months down the line.